Dream big little one.

So, it has begun, the next chapter in my life. Being a mum!

 

I don’t know how to begin or where to start on my incredible, emotional journey to motherhood.

We are deeply in love with our tiny dream daughter Theodora Olive 5 lbs 13oz, she has truly shown me that no matter how hard I’m finding everything I now have this purpose to never give up.

 

No matter how many mums you talk to or the number of books you read or tones of things you end up reading on net mums I can honestly say nothing can completely prepare you for becoming a parent.

I’m sure many new parents wonder ‘where to start and what to do with a newborn’, it’s crazy how stressful I can get if I think Theo isn’t getting enough food or if she’s whinging I think she has a temperature. It’s now normal for me to be anxious. Anxious for all the times I’m now going to think have I done enough for her, taught her the right ways, gave her enough love, encouraged, comforted and overall I will always be left hoping that I did enough right, so that when she spread her wings she will be happy. I have more and more respect for my mum, I couldn’t imagine the heartache she experienced with me, she will always be my inspiration.

My pregnancy was smooth until the final stretch. I seemed to be tainted by many UTI’s which one saw me admitted to hospital. Once it cleared up I was home for 2 weeks until my planned stay in hospital to become a three!

All together I was in hospital for 16 days and in the grand scheme of things that was honestly nothing compared to previous amounts of time I’ve spent in hospital. The reason why I was in for so long was because there was a high risk I could potentially go into early labour due to my spinal cord injury. For 12 days, I was too scared to do anything as I was having contractions every so often and I felt awful!

When people ask me if we used IVF or I had a C section and I reply with no I was extremely lucky to carry our child and naturally give birth to her 9 times out of 10 they’re shocked.  I can never explain how grateful I am to have a second chance, a chance to experience the power and strength of what the human body can go through. The complexity of our mental and physical self has shown me how astonishing life can be, I may look broken, the slight hand movement, paralysed legs, terrible body spasms but inside I have carried the most precious thing and with the help of a hormone drip, epidural our little miracle came.

All through my pregnancy I had so much support, from family, friends and the amazing staff at Treliske Hospital. There are so many beautiful people who I met during my stay, they were all friendly, welcoming and made me feel at ease. My amazing Obstetrician Sophie is someone I will never forget, she was so calm throughout, encouraging and overall a legend. The mid wife who helped deliver Theo, I can call my friend, without Claire I would have struggled to keep calm as I just didn’t know what was going to happen. The stories we now share and the scenes they saw, it’s honestly leave your dignity at the door policy!

On my labour day, I was monitored incredibly close, I was already 1cm dilated so I didn’t have to have a pessary to induce me. Sophie just popped my waters and then I had an epidural. The anaesthetist inserted an Epidural pump, which meant I could be continuously fed pain relief, as even though I couldn’t feel as much as most women, the pain I could feel was enough for my blood pressure to rise. Having my blood pressure rise this could have brought on Autonomic Dysreflexia. Autonomic Dysreflexia is when my body reacting to things like pain and if it’s not treated quickly it can lead to a stroke, seizure or cardiac arrest, but that could happen in any situation. From being 3cm dilated at 8pm to 10cm at 12am those 4 hours were all a blur. From 12am to 53 minutes later our clever daughter made her own way into the world. Obviously typing this sounds straight forward, believe me it wasn’t, I just didn’t want my blog to sound like a medical textbook! I was petrified, I didn’t have a clue how hard it was going to be but I had the most amazing amount of support throughout which was key to delivering Theo safely.

I’ve struggled physically afterwards my body is still healing. My organs have returned to their normal places but at times I am a sweaty mess with terrible spasms across my body. For now, I’m just having to wait for scans and results but being patient for these is so worth it as I have our little baby. What the outcome will be only the future knows, for now it’s something that brings me frustration, I have become stronger than I was yesterday but I know there are many worse situations out there. I have had many challenges in my life and this is a tiny one I’m sure I’ll beat.

For me feeling like this physically has really affected me emotionally and unfortunately there has been many times where I always wonder what I would have been like as a mum before my accident. Would I feel so sensitive and jealous towards anyone who would pick up Theo, rock her up and down and cuddle her so tight you could feel her silky skin against yours. Probably not. The amount of jealously is unreal, I can feel the trickles of pain aching out of me and there is honestly nothing I can do about it. I knew I would come across hurdles but it’s the most difficult thing I have ever experienced.

Depression, is part of my character. I’m not scared to admit it. I have struggled an extreme amount, I’ve fought to live again and now I’m fighting my own personal battle with motherhood. I don’t want pity or the sympathy smile, I am so so lucky to have our daughter, I am just figuring out ways to overcome the thick treacle I feel stuck in. I just want to pick Theo up when she cries, I want to dry her tears and even change her nappy. It’s the simple things I miss, the things we take for granted. The things I now unfortunately call ‘lasts’. The last time I could go up and cuddle my mum or the last time I could hold her hand, I will never do that with Theo. I appreciate every second with her, I consider the more normal and mundane things I do with her as special moments and I constantly tell myself to remember these ‘normal and mundane’ moments as within months’ things will change.

Sometimes it’s so hard, I cry for an answer as I just wish I could be like most mums. I wish I didn’t feel like I’m constantly being watched, judged for being the way I am. No matter how many times people say that they aren’t looking at how I am, the truth is people do stare and unfortunately that’s what is going to happen with my daughter. I personally found being pregnant sometimes embarrassing this was down to the fact that I was in a wheelchair, I thought people around me would judge and be unwelcoming with questions like ‘How are you going to cope being pregnant?’ And after giving birth the question ‘How are you going to take care of your newborn?’ But I was so wrong, most people have been incredibly amazing and yes there’s always some small-minded person out there. It’s just more barriers I will now face with my daughter and I will continue to break them down and help continue to be part of the structure that holds our diverse family together.

It’s natural for me to crave normality, I don’t think people realise how lucky they are.  She may have been part of me for 9 months but I sometimes wonder if she knows who I am, for 9 months I gave my baby everything she needed, it was just me and Theo and the only person she had to rely on was me. But now I am in the backseat watching, admiring everyone with my daughter, waiting for her cheeky smile if she clocks me in the distance. Yep the truth is hard to digest but I would not be as strong if I didn’t have my doting husband who is an incredible father. He has had to deal with the thorn that is permanently twisted in my side as well as being our daughter’s main carer. The moments he spends with Theo I crave but at the same time I admire how he just gets on with it, the strength he somehow finds to keep me a float is inspiring and I will never thank him enough as he has stuck by me through these troubled 8 years to finally help create something so incredible our little miracle.

I had this fear of not being able to feel the love for my baby. The undying love, which I heard a lot of people talk about. I would mention it to people and they would reassure me that I would. The love I felt at first hurt, ached to a point I could only express it with too many emotions. This little human being is now ours, the little wriggly thing which I secretly liked to watch move in my tummy is now staring right at me and all I can think is ‘wow is she actually mine?’

The greatest gift and the most awarding thing Nelly and I wanted we have got. From being dealt with cards I wouldn’t wish on anyone to being given the most perfect thing. Fate.

Even though it has only been 4 months, being a parent is by far the most amazing experience of your life…. that at times leaves you exhilarated…. while others leave you heartbroken. My heart crumbles with the most amount of unconditional love you could imagine thinking of her, I will always continue to chase a life I know exists out there for our little family. I will keep crying with hope, improving, gaining little victories.

Challenges in my life will be a little harder now but that’s what makes life interesting and overcoming them will certainly make life a lot more meaningful. I will always have an upwards struggle but I am determined to show Theodora to never give up on her dreams as no matter how ridiculous they can be…they can certainly happen as she doesn’t have to look too far for mine, she just needs to look in a mirror and she’ll see.