‘Seven billion people experienced today in a different way’

It seems a while since I’ve written something. I guess time literally doesn’t wait for anyone and lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by time.

We always try to keep ourselves busy as I find its essential to me and everyone around me to keep myself occupied and have things to look forward too else I can find myself drowning with negative memories. So, in sunny June we took ourselves away to France for a week! It was a perfect break, relaxing and enjoyable.  I remember one time so perfectly. Being in the swimming pool with Nelly, my mum watching at pool side. He turned to me and said let’s put you face down in the water with the snorkel on. For a minute, I thought it was a ridiculous idea but I then I thought I really need to let go of the fear of drowning again. So, with Nelly flipping me onto my front and with the snorkel on I started to float.  I couldn’t swim like I use to, I couldn’t lift my head out of the water but I certainly could move my spaghetti arms in a way which allowed me to slowly move. I was so excited to be free floating in the water, nothing restricting me, no chair, no bed, no sling. It’s impossible to explain just how much it meant to me but I felt like the luckiest person in the world. And the reason was, it was another little victory for me. Isn’t that crazy? That floating paralysed in a pool honestly felt just as liberating and freeing as swimming around in the crystal-clear ocean, even though in photos one situation is undoubtedly better, but to me this couldn’t be any more fulfilling.

The holiday was amazing. But during our holiday on the last 2 days my legs blistered and I can only describe as massive watery golf balls were scattered all over my legs. One of the biggest things I’ve learnt about having a SCI is the importance of pain. I never realised its value until I lost the ability to feel it like I use to before my accident. Despite how much it can hurt, it’s here to help us! That awful feeling you get of pain is just our body letting us know that something is wrong. I’ve learnt a few times without its warning I can put my life at risk and potentially have Autonoimic Dysreflexia. This is my body reacting to things like pain and if it’s not treated quickly it can lead to a stroke, seizure or cardiac arrest. So, because I couldn’t feel the pain I was experiencing with my legs until it was too late, the damage had been done. (just like that time I had no idea I had my hand on a radiator until I moved it and my whole side of my hand was a blister, I have a lovely scar now…. classic Carly). Overall the summer was perfect, spending time with family and friends felt like heaven and I wouldn’t change any day, well maybe minus the blisters as they took ages to heal!

When the autumn comes for me is always a lull. Sometimes the lull can turn to sadness, sadness because the warm, happy few months of the Summer is over and the weather is changing with my mood.

7 years have passed since my accident, November my life seems to change an insane amount each year. I find the beginnings to a new me but I still notice little parts of my old life still ending. I’ve now forgotten what it feels like to walk. I can remember after my accident being terrified of forgetting how to walk, I would close my eyes and test myself on how it would feel to walk. I still dream of walking, walking as normal but pushing a wheelchair. It’s a dream I find myself constantly having, no matter how many years down the line this dream is always with me. I used to find my dream cruel I now find it peaceful as I think it’s made the fear of forgetting to walk into the determination of wanting that luckiness back as it’s something I really took for granted.

November is always going to spin my life in so many different directions emotionally as I grieve for what I lost, cry for the lives I envy but smile at how lucky I was. Each year I reflect on how far I’ve come. On one hand, physically and mentally I’m indescribably lucky to live with arm movement, great health, amazing family and friends. But on the other hand, sometimes I struggle to remember having these gifts when having a SCI seeps into every second of every single day. Even at night time when I want to sleep, my body is telling me otherwise. The uncontrollable leg spasms, the overheating and waking Nelly up because the duvet is too heavy for me to pull down. It’s always on my mind. The sharp headaches, pains and sweats I have daily is something I deal with.  Even in moments like this, whilst typing I need my legs adjusting as my body is telling me that I’m uncomfortable by firing sharp pains down my body. I’m always concentrating on my injury, thinking about balancing my top half in my chair, thinking about how I’m going to get my hand to my hair without punching myself in the face, focusing on getting the strength and momentum to push my wheelchair around. I’ve concluded that my mind prior to my injury must have been quite blank, carefree and full of pointless things as I couldn’t imagine what it would be like not thinking about all this stuff all the time.

The universe is funny like that though, you get hurt and you get pain but you also get a lesson. I guess the lesson here is simple. Enjoy your life, create many memories, cherish your family and friends and most importantly find happiness. I’m going to keep tunnelling through my life challenges, I may moan, cry, scream about it but I have some bloody good times with my life. I have such a great support network with my family, friends, PA’s who know me more than I know myself and generous, friendly strangers who read this. I want to be open and honest with you. The 5th November, I will never forget its wicked ways, the stress it still causes me and my family, the scared and sadness, the scars and the paralysis. But we have all somehow found happiness, it has just taken time to grow.

I’ve always said since my accident I find myself observing people’s lives, actions and personalities but it’s taken me this long to realise I’m a great spectator at my own thoughts. I’ve seen myself stressing at nominal things, stupid things I couldn’t change, I tried to reach the goal of pure happiness to only realise it should be a habit and finally my stresses soon began to dissolve, even now.

I saved a quote a while ago it said, ‘life is so subtle sometimes that you barely notice yourself walking through the doors you once prayed would open.’ I couldn’t process this being true. How could someone not notice getting something they once dreamt of. But the strange thing is it now is happening to me…. I think it means I’m moving on.

I’ve never been better.